this guy named charlie likes me. he even asked me out on a date. i have found myself drooling over my friend josh. he works at borders. he is everything i am. not to mention a joy to hang out with. he is perfect. if only asia wasn't in the picture. if only i didn't find myself thinking about gabe every two seconds. why is it, that when i don't want to be with anyone, they all come running. i know if i wait until i'm ready, no one will be there. i don't know what to do. should i tell josh? should i go out with charlie on a date? should i tell rod that we can try another date. should i tell jovany that i'm willing to try. should i tell nick that i have always loved him and let's give it another shot? should i just become a lesbian? why does this happen to me now when all i really want to do is walk down the street and throw rocks at gabe's window to wake him up. have him invite me in, and then sleep...with the comfort i had before. why does this happen now when all i want to do is have gabe take me in his arms and never let me go. charlie, josh, jovany, rod, nick, or gabe. why is it, that the one i want, doesn't want me back? life's a bitch.

This update is for you. I never knew anyone read this until you mentioned it. So I'll continue writing. I'll continue pouring my heart out to this webpage. Everything makes more sense written down. No one knows that better than us. Today I had the most interesting day of my life. I went from feeling down and lonely, to feeling like a queen. Feeling like someone still wanted to look at me. To hold me. But it was only for a night. A one night stand. I wonder to myself if it's normal. Normal to fall back into the regular routine with someone you once loved. I think it is. I don't think it's normal for it to happen all the time...but I mean, come on. You go from being with someone everyday to nothing. There has got to be some kind of catching up every once in awhile. Does that make it right? I guess maybe it does. I feel normal, I feel okay. I feel like it's something that needed to be done. Not only to put into perspective our relationship and what we are leaving behind, but to realize that I'm not alone but I can also do whatever I want. I wanted that. I wanted you. I feel great. I hope you do too.