So you tell me that you're fine
You tell me everything is okay
You swore to me that was the truth
I know you lied
And right to my face

you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first
beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
i have to go
your hair was long when we first met.

you left me with your child
alone, aching
he doesn't deserve to be abandoned
much like me

fuck you.

It's been a long time since I posted last. About 7 months! Crazy...

I'd like to say a lot has been going on, but really everything is about the same.

Miles turns 9 months old in a few days. He is getting so big! He had a slight overdosing problem when he was six months old...when he was fixed the vet gave him pain medication which he got into when he was home alone for 5 minutes. Long story short, he had his stomach pumped...the next day he started bleeding out internally and we almost lost him. But he is doing well now, recovered fully and is a 100% crazy pooch!

Jim moved in around the beginning of June. So far the transition has gone pretty well. We don't fight that much...the occassional headbutt because we also work together now. But other than that it's going great. He is the missing piece to my puzzle, glad I finally found it! The other roommates have their own thing, and we have ours. It works, but sometimes I still miss them.

I met my soulmate in March but we didn't get really close until the end of June. Her name is Christy. She is my best friend. She is equally as crazy as I am which keeps me on my toes. I can't say enough good things about her really. We started my dreads in June, finished in July and anyone who is willing to spend 35 hours elbow deep in my hair deserves a medal of some sort.

On the dreads issue...they look fantastic!! After a few months of awkwardness, they seem to be calming down and heading in the right direction. In another 5-6 months they will actually look like dreads and i can't wait!

In a roundabout sort of way I'm really coming into my own. I'm finally doing a lot of stuff for me, while still doing a lot for other people. I'm not reliant on anyone, I can hold my own quite well. I finally have a hair style that fits my personality. I know now what my ppersonality is, and I can understand myself better now. I have two new amazing tattoos that sum up my morals, and I had the guts to make it permanant, which is huge. I'm getting better at loving who I am, what I look like and how I feel. I'm not there 100% but I'm making great progress. I'm proud to say that when someone meets me they know what I stand for, what I believe in because I actually know. It's a great feeling.

I'm not in school right now. I'm trying really hard to get my head above water financially and going to school wasn't helping me. So instead of stressing about schoolwork I am systematically tackling one bill at a time and getting rid of it. So when I am in a place where I can go back to school I won't have to work as much just to make ends meet, and maybe I can spend a little more time hitting the books instead of going to work.

So all in all, I'm doing well. Wish I was farther along in my life plan, but hey...I've got my whole life and I have to do it how I feel comfortable. Which is what I'm doing.

Right now I'm going to bed with a dog snoring in one ear and my favorite boy snoring in the other. I am truly happy.

my uncle died this morning

it's getting harder and harder to pull myself out of this pool
i'm afraid i'm drowning alive
not even the best swimmer in the world will be able to save me

i love you uncle gus...
i miss you terribly already

Sponsor me in the Tour de Cure!!!

Every dollar counts, please help out!

http://tour.diabetes.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=3181&px=2853012

Left lane closed ahead. Speed limit 45. Men in road. Windows open. Trees budding. Grass being mowed. Yardwork. Unless yardwork. Meaningless yardwork. Bees buzzing. Daffidols blooming. Pollen caking the cars. Pollen invading my nose. Nose bleeds. Packing of the jackets. Flip flops. BBQ's. Sunshine. Cleaning the kayak. Planting flowers. Cold nights. Warm days. The sound of a mower in the distance. Music blaring. Sunroof open.

It's SPRING!!!!!

Everything's happening. The world has suddenly come alive once again. Everyone is coming out of their shells, out of their homes, out of their safety and stepping foot on the spongy warm ground. This time of year is wonderful in many ways. My favorite is everyone's newfound sense of self. SPRING!!

Signs are all around me. The best one, school is nearing it's end. I like to picture school as some mythical character rearing its ugly head at me, laughing, and taunting me. This week in every school year is one of the hardest. Soon it will be done and I will stand tall and say, "Shit, I gave it my best shot!" Two exams left. One paper left. Then I can be alive. (after a few days of continous sleep:))

My skin has already begun soaking up the rays. I am the color of a sweet mahogany. My legs are bright white. I look as though the summer has taken it's toll already.

Outside there are boys, a circle of them, playing hacky sack. There are girls sitting around them hoping to be noticed, or catch a stray pass. There is laughter and music and ooohhh and aahhing. Yesterday the boys cut their hair outside so little patches of brown hair are floating through the air. The djembes are out, and he's there playing away. What a sweet sound.

Damn I love this time of year!!

maybe....why?


when you say love is a simple chemical reaction
can't say i agree
cuz my chemical left me a beautiful disaster
still love's all i see


when will my scar be tattooed?


yah they talk about her
she smiles like she's so tough
she says, "hey can you talk a little louder?
I don't think my heart is broken enough."

i won't allow you to...
tattoo
over my reality.

I really don't know what to say. Some crap is going down in my house. I'm bewildered. Apparently three of my roommates hate me, and hate living with me. I know, it's got to be tough. I clean the house without complaining. I do the yard work, without complaining. I do the dishes when they are too lazy to empty the dishwasher. I take them out to ice cream. I have the smallest room in the house so everyone can have enough room. I let them be late on bills so that they can afford them better. I have to cover it until I get their money of course. I'm never usually home and when I am, I'm not downstairs because they are always watching tv. I'm always in my room doing homework or watching my tv. Yes I have asked them to do stuff like, don't make a fire in the fireplace when you aren't going to watch it, unplug the toaster when you are done(personal fears of fire), and recycle if you think of it. So I know I have to talk to them to hear their side of the story, but I'm sure it's going to be a lot of covering their ass. I've lost a lot of respect. I've lost a lot of trust. And quite frankly I don't give a fuck anymore. This whole situation just makes me want to move to Austin even sooner. At least my roommate down there would never lie to me. I guess I'm mostly hurt by the whole thing. I really thought that Jo and I had become close and dare I say I considered him to be one of my good friends. Now come to find out he doesn't like me and has been apparently pretending the entire time. That gets my blood boiling. Makes me want to rip my hair out. Everyone says they are about peace and love, I don't fucking believe it. Can you tell I'm bitter?:)