a clean slate...
a new template...
posts always start out that way. a gleaming white box just staring at me, wondering what words of wisdom or words of bullshit I'm going to fill it with. I'm not sure which tonights is going to be. I want to write to uplight but sometimes I don't feel high enough.
my mood is hard to explain. so many emotions, not enough time.
I feel on top of the world when I talk to him. I feel complete..I don't feel the aching.
I feel lower than dirt when I walk into my house and realize my mother and I aren't talking. I want to talk to her but the need to sacrifice my emotions to better suit her needs isn't there anymore. I dig deep...but there's nothing. I suppose I should put on the face I always have, be the daughter that does no wrong just to get along with mommy. But when does that stop? When do you say, enough is enough? Stop this and become who you really are? I don't have the answer. I don't think I ever will.
I feel alive when I'm with Ryan. Someone loves me, cares about me. Someone just lets me be me. No questions.
I feel trapped in a place where I was once carefree and independant. Now I find I'm chewing on the ropes holding me back and I'm not getting very far.
I'm happy, overall. I crave change but I know my limits.
I need a hug.
I need a cow kiss.
I need a pearl jam concert.
I need things to feel alive and it's about time I get my ass off this computer chair and do it. The only one in control of my destiny is me.
I love peace...

happy valentine's day to everyone...to that person that used to give me wildflowers, to that person who will hold my hand this year while i cry.